To the Dude Who Jacked My Car (part two)...

I don't mean to be picky, but it feels like you're sending mixed messages, here. 

On the one hand, yes, you did drive erratically around in that parking lot, grabbing the attention of those people who called the cops, who then came and ran the plates on my (our?) beautiful baby and discovered that it was not, technically speaking, your property. It's clear from this action that you felt bad about having taken the car and wanted to return it.

What I don't get is why you then ran away.

At first glance, this action would seem to indicate that you don't actually want to hang out and talk about your life with me -- that you're hesitant to become a character in one of my film scripts.

Your modesty is admirable, but again... what's with the mixed signals?

If you really didn't want to be "discovered," then why did you leave your laundry in the trunk of my car, with your parole sheet in the back pocket of one of your pairs of jeans?

While it is possible that you weren't aware at the time that by running the tank dry in that parking lot, you were making it impossible to start the car and thereby use the electronic trunk-release button in the glove box (which I did warn you about in my previous post, I might add), it seems more likely that you were planning for me to find that sheet.

You had to know that by leaving it for me to find when I was finally able to get into the trunk at the wreckers, I would have your name, address, and phone number (as well as the number of your parole officer), and that I would then be able to look you up on the internets.

At the same time, you knew that your facebook profile picture depicts you pointing a handgun at a camera like a gangster, and that I (being your basic, timid, middle-class pansy) would then feel a little shy about reaching out to you.

So many mixed messages!

Why this flirty little game? Since the police officers did not actually see you in the vehicle, you must know (from your previous interactions with this whacked-out criminal justice system of ours) that you have plausible deniability on your side. You can always just say that your carjacker, laundry-servicing friend took the car, and that'll be it.

You and I both know there is no way you intended to leave your designer jeans and Jordan high-tops in the trunk of my car. And given that the wreckers cost me $120 already, and that to fix the steering column is going to set me back at least another one-twenty, I think it's only fair that I withdraw my offer of a full-course meal, and suggest instead that we meet at the restaurant of your choice, where you will pay for our dinner, and I will give you back your clothes.

This seems fair.

In the meantime, thank you so much for all the drama you've brought into my life. I met a lot of really interesting people today, and had my first honest-to-jeebus conversation with a real live police detective.

Eagerly awaiting your response,

Josh Barkey

p.s. I was going to photoshop a cool bandito mask over the mug shot of you I found online and put it with this post, but your facebook gun-picture dissuaded me. You might want to consider changing that -- you don't want people getting the wrong impression.

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*Note: I put a lot of time into giving you this ad-free reading experience. If this post means something to you, you are more than welcome to pay me back by linking the bejeebers out of it on your social medias. And/or better yet, you could go pick up a copy of my book, "IMMORTALITY (and other short stories)." Dankegratzithanks.


  1. Let's see here, parole sheet + gun pointing profile pic + stupidity = case for parole officer to put aforementioned car jacker back in the pokey!

    1. Lordy, I hope not. Retributive justice pisses me off, and the system is STACKED against young men like this. If they ask my opinion, I'd argue loudly for Restorative (or Reparative) Justice, which is an actual thing and might actually do the fellow some good.

      I know they sometimes go in for restorative justice in Florida. Perhaps they'll give it a shot, here.

    2. And furthermore... nothing this dude did (beyond perhaps the theft itself, because crime doesn't pay) could be described as particularly stupid. He was just caught out by the peculiar peccadillos of the car. I almost felt bad for him when I found the information, and should they actually try to press charges, I honestly would argue in his favor. Justice is important, but mercy is better.

    3. "Justice is important, but mercy is better."


  2. Excellent work and outlook sir.


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