Thursday, February 10, 2011

how to get a woman to let you kiss her

The thing about women is,  they're like cats. And like cats, if there is one thing you can count on with women it's their curiosity. Pique their curiosity by throwing something unexpected their way and BAM! you've got 'em.

A treeplanting buddy of mine named Patrick told me once that he had this whole "irresistable pick-up line" worked out where he would go to a club and find the most beautiful woman in the room - the kind he knew he had no chance with at all - walk right up to her, look her deeply in the eyes for a second, and say "WOW... it's true." Then he would turn and walk away.

"She'll always, always come find you later," he said, "she can't help it. It's in her nature."

When the woman tracked him down, Patrick had this whole story worked out about backpacking through southeast Asia and coming up over the crest of a hill and seeing a sight that blew his mind, and then relating it somehow to the color of the woman's eyes. Sounds cheezy, I know, but Patrick had just the right combination of chutzpah and passably good looks to pull it off.

Today, I thought of my own variation.

Try this:

Walk up to that same, unattainable woman and after making some quick small talk, say, "You know, a lot of people don't know this about me, but I can read minds."

You have my absolute guarantee that she will then ask you to tell her what she's thinking. It's inevitable. She is probably thinking that you are a bit strange, but at this point she is also curious to see what you will come up with. Curiosity, I tell ya - it's your secret weapon. Do not hesitate.

Say: "The color blue," and then "No, wait... now it's puppies... now an orangutan in a tuxedo riding a surfboard whilst playing a harmonica." Then, move in for the kill. "And now," you'll say with a flourish, "you're thinking of how I'm really random and kind of cute, and wondering what it would be like to kiss me." Then (and this is important) you have to quickly change the subject. Anything will do, so long as you can give her the impression that it was a throwaway line and you don't give a rat's left earlobe whether or not you get to kiss her.

This could go one of two ways. First (and perhaps most likely) she could laugh in your face and that would be it.

What did you expect? She's gorgeous and you're, well, you. But what also might happen is that you will have done what it took Christopher Nolan and a whole army of Hollywood magicians to do - you'll have gone all Inception on her and will have implanted an idea in her mind that will come back later and make your mouth happy.

That's the theory, anyways. The truth is, I know just about as much about women as I know about cats; and the thing about cats is - they don't forget. They are smarter and craftier than you, and they don't like having their weaknesses exploited. So now, having exposed my strategy, it is more than likely that I will never, ever, ever get to kiss a woman again - ever. For you, though, the door is still open.

You are welcome.

- - -

*Note: I put a lot of time into giving you this ad-free reading experience. If this post means something to you, you are more than welcome to pay me back by linking the bejeebers out of it on your social medias. And/or better yet, you could go pick up a copy of my book, "IMMORTALITY (and other short stories)." Dankegratzithanks.

Support my writing habit: click below to...