Thursday, February 10, 2011

how to get a woman to let you kiss her

The thing about women is,  they're like cats. And like cats, if there is one thing you can count on with women it's their curiosity. Pique their curiosity by throwing something unexpected their way and BAM! you've got 'em.

A treeplanting buddy of mine named Patrick told me once that he had this whole "irresistable pick-up line" worked out where he would go to a club and find the most beautiful woman in the room - the kind he knew he had no chance with at all - walk right up to her, look her deeply in the eyes for a second, and say "WOW... it's true." Then he would turn and walk away.

"She'll always, always come find you later," he said, "she can't help it. It's in her nature."

When the woman tracked him down, Patrick had this whole story worked out about backpacking through southeast Asia and coming up over the crest of a hill and seeing a sight that blew his mind, and then relating it somehow to the color of the woman's eyes. Sounds cheezy, I know, but Patrick had just the right combination of chutzpah and passably good looks to pull it off.

Today, I thought of my own variation.

Try this:

Walk up to that same, unattainable woman and after making some quick small talk, say, "You know, a lot of people don't know this about me, but I can read minds."

You have my absolute guarantee that she will then ask you to tell her what she's thinking. It's inevitable. She is probably thinking that you are a bit strange, but at this point she is also curious to see what you will come up with. Curiosity, I tell ya - it's your secret weapon. Do not hesitate.

Say: "The color blue," and then "No, wait... now it's puppies... now an orangutan in a tuxedo riding a surfboard whilst playing a harmonica." Then, move in for the kill. "And now," you'll say with a flourish, "you're thinking of how I'm really random and kind of cute, and wondering what it would be like to kiss me." Then (and this is important) you have to quickly change the subject. Anything will do, so long as you can give her the impression that it was a throwaway line and you don't give a rat's left earlobe whether or not you get to kiss her.

This could go one of two ways. First (and perhaps most likely) she could laugh in your face and that would be it.

What did you expect? She's gorgeous and you're, well, you. But what also might happen is that you will have done what it took Christopher Nolan and a whole army of Hollywood magicians to do - you'll have gone all Inception on her and will have implanted an idea in her mind that will come back later and make your mouth happy.

That's the theory, anyways. The truth is, I know just about as much about women as I know about cats; and the thing about cats is - they don't forget. They are smarter and craftier than you, and they don't like having their weaknesses exploited. So now, having exposed my strategy, it is more than likely that I will never, ever, ever get to kiss a woman again - ever. For you, though, the door is still open.

You are welcome.

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14 comments:

  1. This is great! Josh your such a xxxxxxx writer. Gave me a good laugh, and I needed that today, thanks!

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  2. Glad I could make you laugh. Not everyone always gets my warped humor. I don't want to undermine the comedic worth of this piece by saying "Gentlemen, do not try this at home," but seriously...

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  3. My god Josh you're amazing! Awesome tips! But I would like to know if you could help me with this: There is a woman that i've been talking to lately, and I'm always trying to make a conversation but the only things she says is "yes, no, ok, etc" but at the same time, she gives me a look that showes she's interested! What do you think I should do?

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  4. Ha, ha, ha, anonymous... you've made me to laugh! The thought that someone would actually ask ME advice on women... it's hilarious, trust me. All I can say is, in the words of Cervantes, "faint heart ne'er won fair lady."

    Games are for wimps and commies, and although I've been accused of being both, I have to say that I'm a firm advocate of actually using words to communicate. Unless you're telepathic, you should always assume that every time a woman looks at you, what it means is: "hey. I just looked at you."

    Giver-shiver.

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  5. This is amazing! I chuckled to myself reading it.

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  6. Good! I chuckled to myself, writing it :)

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  7. Wht if shes up set wid u?

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  8. Like if shes ignore'n u

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  9. Well, anonymousperson, the first thing you've got to focus on, I'd say, is developing your communication skills :)

    But seriously... asking ME for women advice? It is to laugh.

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  10. Quite charming Josh. If someone did that to me I would most certainly laugh... but then it may still end the way he hoped it would if his charm persisted... :P

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  11. LOL! wow my bf was stupid enough to show me this?......... now I know what to look for........ oh for your information Josh, GIRLS ARE NOTHING LIKE CATS!!!!!!!!!!!!! We only get curious because you are acting like boys who think they got a chance.

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  12. can I *pleaaaasssseeee* at least *once* punch guys like Josh in the face. aw come on I won't break *that* much!

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    Replies
    1. Ha-ah! BEST. RESPONSE. YET. :)

      Punch away.

      p.s. By the way, I don't think it's gonna work out between us. First, because I'm a timid little fellow who doesn't like being punched. And second, because I fear our senses of humor are horribly misaligned.

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    2. Hahaha! Honestly, if you knew Josh in person, it would be nigh on impossible for you - unless you were simply the dregs of humanity, or if you believed punching to be equivalent to hugging - to bring yourself to punch this charming young man.
      At most, you could possibly high-five him. :)

      Delete

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