Wednesday, May 15, 2013

14 Useful Steps for Getting Rid of Humans (But First: Buy a Cat)

  1. Introduce non-native feline species to America.
  2. Protect said species so it can proliferate without contending with natural predators.
  3. Release said species into wild in the millions to kill avian species that would otherwise be eating pesky bugs.
  4. Introduce non-native pesky bugs through an insistence on non-native fruits and vegetables in kitchens all over America.
  5. Discourage farm biodiversity to meet competition from non-native fruits and vegetables and meet growing demands for homogeneous-looking foods.
  6. Observe as humans move away from agrarian roots and become completely dependent on distant, disconnected food sources for sustenance.
  7. Begin using chemical, industrial pesticides on massive, monoculture home-grown fruit and vegetable crops to lower labor-intensity of food production and compensate for feline-avian imbalance.
  8. When pesticides are proven to kill bees, legislate reality out of the equation.
  9. When monocultured fruits and vegetables prove to be susceptible to non-native bugs and fungii, pour on chemical pesticides at an ever-accelerating rate.
  10. Insist that humans continue to eat chemical-laden, carcinogenic "foods" to maintain farm-industrial complex.
  11. Ignore warning signs of increased cancer rates and hope you're rich enough to buy an island somewhere before unsustainable food supply completely collapses.
  12. Observe the humans dying.
  13. Observe the new, Feral-Cat Society rise to prominence.
  14. Bow before newly-crowned Cat-King (or Queen).

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