Dear Fellow Americans,

It has come to my attention that the Canadians now lead the world in per-capita food waste. The Canadians! This is America's hat we're talking about here, people... the fifty-first state... our wussy Northern cousin.*

So how could it be that on the waste of such an obvious resource -- our food -- we're being beaten by these red-nosed dog-sled-jockeys?

The recession's starting to taper off, but not fast enough. Everybody knows that the best way to kickstart an economy is to buy a lot of garbage we don't need, but the only way that is gonna happen is if we first clear some space in our McMansions by tossing out some of the stuff we've already got. I know we waste more than the Canadians in a lot of categories, but this should be an easy one.

Buying more food than you need is fairly straightforward, and dishing out larger portions than you could possibly consume is a no-brainer. I know we're already doing our part with our obesity rates -- there are 1.2 billion overweight and obese people to balance out the 860 million malnourished folks worldwide, and we're killing on that one -- but we need to do more. Much, much more.

One-point-three billion tons of food produced for human consumption are wasted along the food chain every year, and I for one think it's despicable that Canadians are taking more than their fair share of that.

Leftovers are for communists and America-haters, so dump that pasta you can't possibly finish in the garbage! Go out to eat, sure, but don't forget to let the restaurant staff throw away a third of your meal. Or better yet, ask them to bring you a Styrofoam container, wait till you get home, and throw it away there! Landfill-production is one of our thriving industries, and we all need to do our part to help make America strong again.

Buy stuff, throw it away, and buy some more. Make fun of people who eat all the meat off their factory-farmed chicken bones. Don't give those cocky Canadians something else to brag about!

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*Pre-Emptive Note for Internet-Haters: Please find a new hobby. In addition to being a wasteful American,  I am Canadian as well. So, go bother someone else.