Friday, June 29, 2012

idiotic preferences

If you are an American, chances are extremely good - statistically speaking - that you have certain preferences. A lot of these preferences are condoned and encouraged by the culture at large, and have been with you, unquestioned, for most of your life. Now of course, I would never ask you to ask actual questions about your life; but since I have your attention, I'd like to take a moment to affirm some of your preferences.

First, I've noticed that you prefer mountaintop removal to wrinkled shirts. In a lot of other developed nations, people (even rich people) have learned that you can actually use the sun to dry out clothing - as though they're not even aware that it's slower, and doesn't get the wrinkles out.

Of course, The Poors have long known this thing about the sun, and have used it as a money-saving technique, but these people do it because they actually prefer their mountainscapes pristine to some wrinklage in their clothing. Idiots. Just remember, if God hadn't wanted us to cut the tops off of mountains to get at the coal that'll provide cheap electricity that'll make it convenient to dry our clothes with a machine, He (because God's a man, don'tcha know) wouldn't have hid it there. 

Second, I've noticed that you prefer your oceans full of plastic to having to suffer the inconvenience of remembering to walk all the way over to the sink to fill up some stupid metal or glass water bottle so you won't have to drink whatever low-quality, not-from-an-approved-tap water they might have at the place where you spend your day.

I just want to say: I completely understand. What did the oceans ever do for you? Besides, the oceans are really, really big... why would you trust some scientists (who are obviously under the sway of the left-wing, un-Christian Hegemon) when they tell you that you can't indefinitely dump chemically-produced plastics into the ocean without it someday entering the food chain and causing problems for the only life form on this planet that really matters - you? If plastic was dangerous, why would most of our food and drink be packaged in it? Idiots.

Third, I've noticed that you prefer to live in massive, automobile-centric structures made of shoddy materials that in fifty years will end up in landfills, than to live with the icky, uncomfortable realities that often occur when people are stupid enough to try to build houses in more creative, a-typical, human-centric ways. Good for you. People are awkward and obnoxious and stinky, and the more you can isolate yourself from them, the better.

Many Europeans will try to convince you that you can design houses around the idea of community, and they may even be right. But what they won't tell you (sneaky, liberal, God-hating pagans that they are) is that community is dangerous. First, they'll be asking your name; then, before you know it, they'll be trying to borrow your lawn mower and girlfriend for the weekend, for some sort of lawn-mowing orgy.

These people will try to convince you that it's bad to live in structures designed for the convenience of automobiles and based on codes set by the building-supply industry and their Washington lobbyists... but don't you listen! If people weren't meant to live in McMansions and serve the needs of the people who sell drywall for a living; well, then, I guess God wouldn't have invented the factories that made this country so great. Before long, those same Europeans will be suggesting you give up your God-given right to tear around in your gas-drinking machine, and instead start insisting you ride a bicycle. A bicycle! Idiots.

Fourth, I've noticed that you prefer the feeling of being perpetually affirmed and connected electronically to the horrors of vulnerability on a smaller, slower, more human scale. All I can say to this is, RIGHT ON! You weren't born into this life for relationship - you were born for entertainment.

If you were to put down your phone and start talking to other people, face to face, you might notice that real human beings actually have pores in their skin. They smell. They fart, and then smell those farts. They defy expectations by absolutely refusing to pander to your whims... your desires. Don't let this happen to you. Stay focused on yourself by distancing yourself from other people with technology. Prefer texting to emailing, emailing to letter-writing and phone-calling, and pretty much anything to actually sitting around with other people and actually interacting with them.

The moment you forget that people are meant to pander to you (and start seeing them as messy, confusing mysteries you might be forced to sacrifice for in the name of Love) is the moment you will stop being an effective, contributing member of the North American economy. And we all know that if the American economy fails to continue to grow-grow-GROW indefinitely, the entire world will tailspin; and life will become drab, meaningless and ugly.

There are madmen out there who will try to convince you that you do not have to do things the way that they have always been done - that everything is not just fine the way it is. But these people are - and I'm sorry, but I just can't think of any nicer way to say it - absolute idiots.


  1. Right on.

    It must be the day for rants. See mine at:

  2. Of course, Nina, those fossils were planted there by the Hegemon to confuse lesser minds.


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