Thursday, May 24, 2012

The Perfect Blog Post

Wry, ironic comment explaining why the gratuitous picture of the hot chicks to the left is actually relevant and somehow empowering to women; followed by 750 words or less on a topic that will amuse you and make you feel good about yourself, without ever actually demanding anything significant of you. To wit:

Have you heard about that puppy-torturing idiot? The one who said the very dumb, very public thing, and is an influential leader of that massive group of despicable puppy-torturing idiots, who are all inferior to you? Isn't it crazy how blind they are to how idiotic and evil they are? I know, right?

A bit of an explanation of how it came to be this way, with the implication that if people like you and I had been in their situation, we never would have said or done what those idiots said and did, and the faintest, subliminal suggestion that only by reading this blog post are you able to protect the puppies and keep the forces of evil at bay.

Some anecdotal evidence, culminating in more talk of puppies and people who torture puppies for fun, with perhaps a link to some puppies on youtube. But not kittens, because we (you and I) are so meta, and know that kittens are so yesterday. A link to a website about people who help abused puppies, so you can click on something and feel a sense of accomplishment.

Chart with some statistics copied directly from Wikipedia, and a link to one of the source-links at the bottom of the article (that I didn't actually read), in order to demonstrate that I'm knowledgeable, and you can trust me when I tell you how superior you are to those puppy-torturing idiots.

Emboldened text because I know that by now your minimal attention is dwindling, followed by a couple of cruelly hilarious comments about those people we're superior to, and then a final reminder of how I've got insights you haven't even dreamed of, so you'll check back regularly and perhaps even follow me on your feed-reader. Implied, desperate hope that you'll share this to your Facebook wall.

Throwaway line I include in every post: a tag-on request for you to leave a thought of your own in the comments, so you feel the illusion of connection and develop the belief that I care about you as an individual; not just a data-point on the google analytics chart I am perpetually re-checking.

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