I have never liked the idea of April Fool's, when it's somehow okay to try to trick your friends and coworkers in horrible ways. So this year, I jumped on my pet elephant, Newt, and went and trampled on the first person who tried to make something of it. Unfortunately, he happened to be a Mossad agent (Israeli secret service). I am tapping this message, therefore, in Morse code on the wall of my cell somewhere in (I think) the Balkans, using one of the teeth they knocked out when they came to get me. I managed to incapacitate a few, but those clowns somehow eventually figured out about my secret pinkie finger and twisted it just-so, so that I took off all my clothes and commenced to acting like a chicken. This day sucks.