Friday, July 31, 2009

the following story contains mature subject matter: viewer discretion is advised.

The first planting company I ever worked for had a golden jock-strap mounted high on the wall at the office. Mostly I just ignored it. There were all sorts of pictures and paraphernalias mounted on that wall, and while a gold-painted jock strap is interesting, it never really stuck out to me until the last year I worked there. I don't know if it caught an errant beam of sunlight or what, but I asked Todd the shop manager what it was all about, and this is what I found out:

The golden cup was up there in honor of Lance G (son of one of the owners of the company). About fifteen years ago, Lance was a foreman and was riding a quad (ATV) across a pretty gnarly bit of terrain. This was back in the days before there were a lot of rules, so people could still get hurt, and Lance ended up rolling the quad and getting banged up a bit. He was mostly all right, except for one thing... the "packaging" that surrounded his "personals" got torn just a weensie bit, and his personals kinda sorta... well... popped out. They were still attached -they were just taking a bit of a sightseeing trip.

I know that's kind of gross, but that's life for ya. As it happened, the first aid attendant in camp was new that year and happened to be a woman. Lance did not really know her all that well, but soon became much better acquainted, as this strange woman had the responsibility of literally holding the items in question in her literal hands as they trundled him off to town for a little tailoring action.

Picture that for a moment (but not too vividly) and think about the absolute awkwardness of the start of that relationship, and then hang on for the punch line... they started dating, they got married, and by the time I heard the story in 2005, they had two lovely young girls and a fine strapping young boy!

There - now aren't you glad you tuned in? What a colossally marvelous use of all that extra time you have on your hands. But remember this: at least it's only time on your hands... it could be worse.

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